What am I thinking? I intended to Tivo tonight's finale of
American Idol, and watch it when I was drunk some other time... but curiosity killed the pussy. As I work at the laptop, I've decided to watch live... and why not write to my cool cats as we go... This could be painful, but "Thiiiiiiiiis is American Idol!!"
8:01 p.m. Ryan Seabreast is claiming that a world record was set with over 122 million votes "last night." What world? What's the context?
8:03 p.m. Final two Lauren Alaina is from Chattanooga, Tenn., and Scotty McCreery from Raleigh, N.C. I had no idea both were rednecks. God, the South has
already risen again!
8:05 p.m. The 13 Season 10 finalists are singing Lady Gaga's "Born This Way." I thought Up With People disbanded in the late 1970s. I feel like I'm at a bad contemporary Christian concert... This is so sad.
8:08 p.m. After suffering through that, during the first commercial break, I was happy to discover that I'm stocked with gin and soda. Who could possibly endure this sober? Cheers!
8:11 p.m. Judas Priest is performing with some girly loser finalist named James who obviously idolizes Guns N Roses. Wow, Rob Halford is bald... I thought all rockers wore wigs to the grave...
8:16 p.m. They're showing a montage of Randy Jackson saying "in it to win it" 500 times this season, proving he's had nothing new to say in a decade of
AI. "We've got to get you a new writer," says Seabreast, who, ironically, has never had a spontaneous moment on the show. Pot calling kettle black, so to speak?
8:18 p.m. A really queeny guy named Jacob is singing with gospel great Kirk Franklin. And here's Gladys Knight... For some reason, Jacob keeps singing lead, as if anyone gives a shit.
8:24 p.m. I'm clueless. Jack Black is singing southern rock with some ugly finalist... Notice how every celebrity guest has a new movie or something of the sort coming out within the next week, which Seabreast is eager to share with the viewing audience? Obviously, that's how
Idol convinced name brands to humble themselves by singing alongside a troupe of amateurs.
8:34 p.m. The 13 female finalists just performed an anemic montage of Beyonce hits... and now
she's onstage... yes, Beyonce... obviously, terrified/mortified that Lady Gaga has stolen her thunder. I sniff desperation.
8:41 p.m. The Steven Tyler montage. The best thing that's happened to
AI. He truly breathed new life into a franchise that has no business maintaining its presence in pop culture. America must be awfully bored.
8:43 p.m. Some really tall finalist named Haley is singing with Tony Bennett. She's quite good. This is the best performance of the night. She's a real talent and seems to be having a fine time with the legendary vocalist. This is a good moment.
8:46 p.m. JLo montage... pretty cute... I'm kind of having a fond moment with Jennifer Lopez... after all, she employed William Levy for new music video "I'm Into You," which, if they'd excise Lil Wayne, is quite the catchy pop number.
8:49 p.m. TLC performs... with some of the generic female finalists. T-Boz sounds good singing "Waterfalls"... though I'm convinced is as much a lip sync as during the group's heyday.
8:52 p.m. I'm finally hearing one of the two finalists "in it to win it." Tim McGraw is singing No. 1 hit "Live Like You Were Dying" with Scotty McCreery. Tim is hot, as always. Scotty is not only more unattractive than in the pics I've seen, but boy, Tim McGraw could fit that little runt in his shirt pocket, huh?
9:02 p.m. I can't image how Marc Anthony managed to secure a solo spot... Well, I'll be, there's
his wife Jennifer Lopez onstage shaking her booty. I've mentioned this a time or two: JLo is
not a dancer... not much of a singer... She's real pretty and fun to watch in romantic comedies, but I'm a tad embarrassed for her dancing beside her talented man.
9:06 p.m. Finalists are bitching about being eliminated. I'm getting more gin... Perfect timing, as the eliminated guys sing. That first guy is really cute, but the falsetto... ugh, shades of Justin Bieber... We were doing okay with "What's New, Pussycat," until switching to Scotty, whose country warbling breaks and cracks to irritating effect; he thinks he's showing off his persona, but that is sim immaturity.
9:14 p.m. Tom Jones is singing "It's Not Unusual." There will be no better moment than this on television this decade... all 10 seconds...
9:16 p.m. At risk of ruining my reputation, you would not believe the great salad I've made for myself. With three kinds of lettuce, I've added mushrooms, fresh eggs, cheese, green peas and carrots and—showing my southern roots—a pile of Thousand Island dressing. Mmmm, mm, good!
9:22 p.m. Ford just gave some cars to teachers and to the two finalists.We're going waaaay downhill.
9:23 p.m. And just like that, the trajectory shifts. It's Lady Gaga, for real, in the flesh, performing her stellar new single "The Edge Of Glory" absolutely live! Happiness! (Damn, this salad is good.)
9:31 p.m. Finalist Lauren really shouldn't dare to sing Carrie Underwood's "Before He Cheats"—
with her, for god's sake. There's really no comparison to
Idol's season four victor, huh?
9:37 p.m. Beyonce gets a second shot to sing her new single, "Girls (Who Run the World)," which has already proved a flop on the singles chart, peaking at a tepid No. 33. Considering the fact that the dreary ballad has no chorus—and, of course, the fact that she is as shrill as ever—could it be that the beautiful girl with little talent has finally peaked?
9:42 p.m. U2 sang a song from their disastrous Broadway Spiderman show. Man, I love peas in salad.
9:56 p.m. Steven Tyler sings "Dream On." That was cool. Salad done, more gin, stat! This is going on forever, isn't it?
10:02 p.m. Well, shit, they're announcing the winner
NOW... I thought this was going to drudge on for two hours. The winner is... Scotty... just as I
predicted earlier today. Oh, he just had to thank the Lord, didn't he? He's singing what I suppose is the "winning anthem," complete with steel guitar and enough country elements to make it absolutely, utterly, wholly, unmistakably clear that he is a southern-fried singer.
Boy, with this kid's star presence, it's clear to me he's going far... as a manager at Applebee's... Yet another
American Idol victor with absolutely no musical future... Isn't it time for this show to quietly call it quits? They've not produced a sustainable winner since Jordin Sparks, four years ago.
Meet Jed Hill, a 26-year-old former Penn State football player who decided the world would be better served by his 
dedication to fitness and underwear modeling. Look at those scintillating blue eyes. Note that sturdy 6'2", 245-pound frame.
